I am staring at a black tuxedo suit with a white shirt and black tie laid out askew on my bed. I can feel Alma staring at me from the bathroom door. "I don't feel like wearing a black tie today," I wistfully said under my breath. I felt her hands brush over my shoulder and then gripped me as she swung around in front of me. "You don't have to honey. I'll pick something out for you," she whispered. I took a deep breath and fell into her embrace. It is a quarter to eleven and Frank's dads funeral is at twelve noon.
Every year the months of November and December are tough for me since my father died 17 years ago. A close friend of mine a few days ago flew to the Philippines to attend his Fathers funeral. And during Thanksgiving I find out that my cousin's husband, Frank, father past away two days prior. It has been a rough start to the holiday season to say the least. My Fathers birthday is on December 19 and I usually celebrate it with couple of two buck chucks after having dinner with my mother and brother. I prefer spending it alone so I don't have to kill anyone's evening with my pitiful sulking. I have not been with Alma long, 5 months, so she does not know about my annual alcoholic binge yet. I feel bad for her. I usually break up with whoever I'm with a few days after my dad's birthday. I don't know if it will happen this year. I really like Alma.
I lay back on my pillow topped ottoman trying to pull myself together. After all, this day is not about me. I took a couple of deep slow breaths to calm my mind and to relieve the knot that was forming in my stomach. I slowly drifted into a light sleep, still conscious, aware that Alma was going through my closet. I felt a warm presence around me. There was something familiar about this presence. I was honing in on what it was, trying so hard to hold on to it before it slipped away. It slowly came to me, it felt like I was looking at a blue bow tie. And then it hit me, it was my father's favorite blue bow tie that he wore to every special occasion. I was with my father. I felt like I as being transported to my yesteryears with him, all the good and the trying times... bottled up in my chest. Then I felt his voice, every molecule in my body relieved. It was like a gentle wind brushing my soul. Then my father's blue tie started to fade. I knew his time with me was coming to an end. I waited 17 years to feel reassured that he was still with me. Faith wasn't enough for me I suppose. I screamed in my head to him,"I love you! I miss you so much!..." Then he faded.
I felt Alma's fingers wipe the tears from my face. I slowly sat up. Alma sat on my lap, rubbing and gently patting my back as a mother would to calm a crying baby. "I picked out something for you," Alma whispered, " I think it's perfect." Alma turned toward the bed. It was my father's blue bow tie sitting on my pillow.
Maxwell Gatzby
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